brain dump b4 bed
it’s nearly 3am but sleeping is incredibly painful for me n it feels best to be awake than go through the painful transition of unconscious peace to being aware of my physical self and dread so ya
i felt insane and pushed thru embarrassment earlier when i made myself a cup of coffee past midnight-thirty. in front of my mother who was pushing herself towards the direction of sleep. she had no outward judgement (as she usually doesn’t but sometimes her judgement is more palpable than tangible or visible)
i usually drink my coffee black but tonight i craved something creamy n comforting so i added a splash of milk and something about seeing it turn that rich deep brown reminded me of my grandmother. and the special moment between me still being awake and her waking up at dawn where she would silently make me a cup of coffee along with hers. i think i was 6 the first time she let me indulge in her sacred hour with her and my cup was more milk than coffee. but as i got older that changed bc 10 years later i had my last sip with her with hardly any milk bc i hardly felt like a child anymore. tonight i feel more like a child tho like im 16 again more than an adult. n i hate that in order to feel close to that spiritual divine space n time i had to confront the gnawing feeling of shame for doing something that i think 6 year old me would’ve been punished for. but it didn’t happen then and it won’t happen now. the love existed then and the comfort of that love can exist now if i give in sometimes to drinking a late night cup of coffee.
